Fire for Eternity

I grew up in a catholic household. Church every Sunday, confession every month, that kind of thing. My mom would read to us from the Bible  as a bedtime story and I would fall asleep hearing her voice. My faith was very important to me and I trusted my family, my priest and the church. I believed the stories from the bible word for word. 

But some things didn’t make sense to me. First, the idea of hell. From the first time I heard the words describing eternal fiery torture, I knew that it wasn’t true. Sins are just mistakes. And life is about learning from mistakes. We always have a chance to see the other side. So I didn’t believe in hell. Ever. 

But I didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone in my family or church because that’s not an acceptable belief to them. As I grew up I realized a lot of the Bible is a metaphor. Hell is supposed to be punishment for doing something evil. Catholicism says if you don’t understand or care that your actions hurt others, you will be punished by God in hell. The core of this belief is the idea of justice. 

People want murderers and rapists and thieves and anyone who hurts others to pay. And I can’t blame them. But I have made mistakes and I want to have a chance to learn from them and use them to bring even more love into the world. So justice is an outdated concept to me. If someone cuts me off, I wish them a good day because joyful evolved humans are not jerks. 

Now, I’m exploring the idea that Earth has been hell, and heaven. I mean, can you think of any worse torture than living through the Holocaust? Or being a victim of human trafficking? Being taken from your family as a child and forced to serve in an army? Earth, probably since the ice age, has been hell for most humans.

The idea of being thrown in a fire for all eternity? It goes against one of the main laws of the universe: nothing is forever and everything changes. The infinity symbol. We’re always moving and changing. Can you be stuck in a lower level of your life for a while? Yes. But eventually, you will cycle out.

My beliefs about hell are constantly evolving.

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How do I enjoy the now while wanting more?

In the past year I’ve been working on my relationship with money. I noticed how trapped I was feeling and I asked my soul for help. This was the conversation.

When you’re unhappy with any situation in life, the fastest, easiest and most enjoyable way to get unstuck is to fully embrace what’s in front of you. Learn from it. 

Dear Soul, 

Right now, money feels tight. I know this isn’t always going to be like this. I know abundance is my birthright. I just realized that this is a great opportunity to learn frugality. Embrace it. Learn to  shop, cook and eat in a much more sustainable and frugal way. These skills are a blessing. While I’m waiting for the universe to shower me with abundance of my manifestations, I enjoy the present moment and the lessons it has. 

Q. What’s the difference between being grateful for the present moment  AND wanting/manifesting/striving towards something else? Those seem like opposites.

You accept the lessons you learn from each situation, not the situation. You’re not accepting abuse, you’re accepting that it shows you how strong you are, it teaches you to be confident and trust yourself. Once you see the lesson rather than the pain it will disappear. The more painful your situation is, the more potential it has for joy.

Q. So will I always be in a cycle of painful lessons?

No. You already left those cycles. You can learn lovingly. It’s about appreciating the lesson. The value it’s bringing. Wanting certain things is a separate thing. You are always wanting/creating your life.

Q. Where does the need to fight against uncomfortable things come from?

There’s a fear that if I “accept” something then it will stay. You’re not accepting situations…you’re not accepting your money situation and you will make changes when opportunities come up. But in the meantime you are surrendering to the situation.

Q. Why am I struggling so hard to surrender? 

You weren’t taught how to enjoy lessons so you went through difficult life lessons in a painful way. You weren’t supported and you learned to reject support and only rely on yourself. You isolated yourself. You’re unlearning these coping mechanisms now. You’re learning to flow. You still have small remnants of your old ways that come up. You let those go lovingly with ease. Once you surrender you will see how quickly and easily your life becomes fun. Easy means you are flowing. You don’t need to struggle or crave or be in pain. Pain doesn’t feel that same because pain is not supposed to be debilitating. When you have support, pain is more like a gentle nudge that turns into an AH HA moment.

“Pain” when you have surrendered to love, is just the gentle down of life. Like a river flowing, a wave going up and down. The downs are not rock bottom like they have been for you, because now you know.

Q. So what do I do now to fix my finances? 

Appreciate the lesson here. The lesson to eat, live and flourish without needing much. The beauty of life without money. Appreciate money as well. Both sides. Realize that money is an amazing gift and you should value it like you value other things in your life. You’re feeling about money for a long time has been “fuck you, I don’t need you”, out of fear and ego. Now you have the chance to change your relationship with money. Appreciate it for what it is and what it can do for you. This is also a great opportunity for you to learn to manifest and see the results. Learn to manifest when you really really want something. Learn to detach. Trust the universe to provide in the right timing.

Thank you!

I love you!

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The Plan

The other day I was looking through my old Facebook pictures. All the way to the first one. I haven’t done that in a while.

I was surprised by my reaction. A year ago, I would have seen my flat stomach or smooth skin of a teenager…I would have seen the happy me with my friends. But what I saw was the full picture. Yes, I was happy, but I was also very sad back then. I didn’t know how or when or where or what. I was confused. Is that how all teenagers feel? Back then I just assumed it was and I tried to listen to the advice given those days to just ignore those feelings and be happy. Easy. Done.

Except those feelings didn’t go away, they were pushed deep inside myself. Where they hid waiting for their moments.

Or maybe those feelings became my operating system. Who knows?

The point is that I wish I could go back in time and tell myself all of this. All these lessons I had to learn for myself. It was hard. I don’t think everyone should have to do that.

Humanity is built on learning from each other. And that might be my favorite thing about humans.

I can remember myself at those stages in life, connect with my heart and send her love because she’s stronger than she knows.

And today, I realized I can do something else. I can share her story. Because there are others out there going through something I went through. I will tell them what I learned and they can use it and change it and make it their own.

Thank you!

Am I getting it now?

Yes.

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MOO SHOO flow

Infinity ♾

one end is moo shoo (мушу),

I MUST.

One end is flow. (потік),

I AM.

You need a balance of both. Balance can mean something in between. It can also mean equal parts one and equal parts the other.

You choose to go from end to end. Binging and purging on flow and moo shoo. Balance is having both and neither because you are in the center. You feel both. You USE both. Both are necessary to be that kick ass you.

MOO SHOO is that survival instinct. It’s that love for another. It doesn’t have to be uncomfortable. See it for what is can be. Let go into the bondage. Relax in your captivity knowing it’s just you holding yourself until you understand. And to understand a lesson you must stop resisting the teacher.

flow. Vastness can feel as suffocating as enclosure. Flow seems to escape me. Flow right out of my grasp. I AM. Flow is connection to your body. Flow is enjoying the moment. Feeling sunshine on your skin. Tasting rich ruby red Italian wine. Smelling fresh focaccia out of the oven. Hearing your love call your name. Gratitude is flow.

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